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End Rape on Campus (EROC) is a survivor advocacy organization dedicated to ending sexual violence through survivor support, public education, and policy and legislative reform.

We provide free, direct assistance to all survivors of gender-based and sexual violence on campus interested in filing federal complaints, organizing for change, or drawing public attention to hold their schools accountable.

We have assisted hundreds of students at dozens of schools file Title IXClery Act, and other civil rights complaints to seek justice and reform.

#MeToo: On Complicity and Accountability

EROC Blog

I realized I could not celebrate Father’s day. I had no ability to dance for him. I could not celebrate the countless fathers who have caused pain directly and indirectly to their children through sexual violence.

#MeToo: On Complicity and Accountability

End Rape On Campus

Last weekend I was out and overheard a guy talking about reaching under the skirt of the woman in front of him at the bar to "grab her vagina." His friend laughed at the joke. He said to his friend, "I'm gonna do it man. I'm going for it," and reached towards the woman's skirt.

He stopped because, while his friend stood by horrified but TOTALLY SILENT, I screamed at grabby boy a few choice words. His friend looked relieved and weakly chimed in, "She's right, she's right."

I like and am simultaneously frustrated by "Me Too." Speaking out is powerful and important. But the burden shouldn't always be on survivors. The "Me Too" that ends sexual violence isn't survivors taking responsibility for the conversation (once again) but perpetrators and the people who allow sexual violence to occur taking responsibility for their behavior. It's grabby boy understanding what a piece of trash he was acting like and JUST AS IMPORTANTLY it is grabby boy's friend realizing that he was almost complicit in a freaking sexual assault by staying silent.

So if you're actually wondering how to help, here's a check lists of Me Too's to check your own behavior. (It may sting... it's supposed to.)

Last weekend I was out and overheard a guy talking about reaching under the skirt of the woman in front of him at the bar to "grab her vagina." His friend laughed at the joke. He said to his friend, "I'm gonna do it man. I'm going for it," and reached towards the woman's skirt.

He stopped because, while his friend stood by horrified but TOTALLY SILENT, I screamed at grabby boy a few choice words. His friend looked relieved and weakly chimed in, "She's right, she's right."

I like and am simultaneously frustrated by "Me Too." Speaking out is powerful and important. But the burden shouldn't always be on survivors. The "Me Too" that ends sexual violence isn't survivors taking responsibility for the conversation (once again) but perpetrators and the people who allow sexual violence to occur taking responsibility for their behavior. It's grabby boy understanding what a piece of trash he was acting like and JUST AS IMPORTANTLY it is grabby boy's friend realizing that he was almost complicit in a freaking sexual assault by staying silent.

So if you're actually wondering how to help, here's a check lists of Me Too's to check your own behavior. (It may sting... it's supposed to.)

Me Too: 
I've remained friends with someone who assaults or harasses others because it's just easier than cutting ties. 
I've talked crap about someone for reporting or sharing an experience. 
I've refused to believe survivors when they've shared their experience. 
Someone in my circle has been accused of assault/harassment, but I assume it isn't true. 
I've known about an assault/harassment but haven't said or done anything because I wasn't sure what to say or do. 
I've abandoned friends dealing with assault/harassment because I just didn't want the drama. 
I've stood by while friends perpetrated harassment/assault because I felt uncomfortable intervening. 
I've made inappropriate remarks that I knew made others uncomfortable and gotten away with it. 
I've treated colleagues as less than equals based on their appearance/gender presentation/sexuality. 
I have casually touched someone I shouldn't have touched because I didn't see it as a big deal. 
I have exploited a power dynamic to take advantage of someone sexually, through harassment or assault. 
I have not stopped sexualized behavior or comments I knew I should have stopped/when someone asked me to stop. 
I have had sex with someone who I knew didn't actually want to have sex with me but didn't tell me no. 
I have had sex with someone who was not sober enough to consent. 
I have had sex with someone who told me no or otherwise didn't tell me yes.

You're not necessarily a bad person if you're on this list. Some of these things have applied to me, too. But what you are is someone who needs to stop acting as if being morally outraged by the scope of sexual violence (which is nothing new) is enough and actually take action in your own behavior and groups of friends to end it close to home. (Oh and if you're in the latter part of the list, you're actually rapist scum. #sorrynotsorry.)

ALSO. I've been watching people who are actively, knowingly perpetrators of sexual violence like "Me too" statuses all day and I am about /done./ If you know you hurt people, change your behavior, don't like statuses. Y'all know who y'all are, probably because I've told most of you by now.

I want to acknowledge all of the thoughtful, angry, tired people who have shared their thoughts with me and helped me to understand what is uncomfortable about this conversation. Thanks to everyone for being thoughtful and critical. I also want to acknowledge all survivors-- whether you've shared "Me too" or not, you experience is valid, you matter, and you are not at fault.

Let's end rape by shifting responsibility for this conversation where it belongs-- onto the actions and people who perpetrate and allow violence to occur.

This post was initially published on Alyssa Leader's personal Facebook page, and was read at the National Vigil for Survivors of Campus Sexual Assault.

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Alyssa Leader is a graduate of Harvard College and is currently a first year law student at University of North Carolina. She previously worked as a victim-witness advocate for Middlesex County District Attorney's Office and the legal services coordinator for A New Day, a rape crisis center in Southeastern Massachusetts. She is a certified rape crisis counselor and continues to serve survivor communities. Her activism around sexual violence has been featured in major media publications, including New York Times and Buzzfeed. As a survivor with significant personal experience with the legal system, Alyssa believes strongly in improving availability of trauma informed legal services for survivors. In the future, she hopes to work as an attorney representing survivors of campus sexual and domestic violence in Title IX matters. She currently resides in North Carolina with her partner and the best dog in the world.